So my buddy Nando wrote this blog about accepting all gay types, not just the "fierce, fabulous" TV types, which led to a conversation about the dreaded "straight acting" tag -- and his friend who took offense to its use. Here's part of my reply:I don't find the term "straight acting" offensive, but I really super hate what it can imply. I would guess the reason your friend went apeshit is because the term in itself appears self-hating. "I'm gay, but I don't act gay." As though being gay is something to be ashamed of and -- more to the point -- should remain hidden.
I have never in my life heard somebody use "straight acting" in a way that was not meant to distance themselves from the gay community -- or at least the stereotype mosdt associate with being a gay man (prissy pants ladyboy)
By the way, I have found "straight acting" to be one of the most delusional phrases in the gay community. Can't tell you how many manly, butch, masculine, "straight-acting" guys threw their big, hairy, manly tree-trunk legs right over my shoulders when we got down to it. It's a bullshit term. However it is one that exists in the world, and just by speaking it does not mean you're prejudice against your own kind.
Butch & Fem are classic gay terms. I still don't like them because I feel it unfairly puts a label on somebody, which is the same reason you won't get an answer from me if you ask if I'm a top or a bottom.
Yay for celebrating the gays -- ALL THE GAYS -- in our big family. Let's all just love each other already!
10 comments:
You rock my brother! Fierce and all!
Amen to that.
Never mind the whole "straight acting gay" is an epic myth.
I've never met a gay worth his salt who couldn't spot another gay at fifty paces no matter how they were "acting" straight or otherwise
This is a tough one. It is based in stereotypes, but I can see where it comes from. The level it annoys me changes all the time.
So true!
Let's just all get along. (or drunk).
That's what pisses me off too, is that some (to avoid generalizations) subscribe to the socially constructed idea (bullshit) of how men and women should act. If men act "feminine" their labeled as being gay. Fuck that. If a woman acts "masculine" she is labeled as being a lesbian. Fuck that too. I say fuck all the socially constructed notions of what and how men and women should behave and just behave the way you want to.
Fuck! I don't have wine in the house and I can't even have a drink after that comment :)
I don't agree with your second paragraph. Gay means simply, "attracted to the same sex." The fact that some have added all sorts of other personality traits to the term "gay" is why terms like "masculine" and "straight acting" were adopted. "Straight acting" has nothing to do with sexual preference or being ashamed of that preference.
I understand some people's aversion to the term, but is there a better way to say, "the average person on the street wouldn't know he/she was gay unless they asked?" If there were, I bet his friend would still be offended.
I think some people who feel the straight acting term wouldn't apply to themselves get a little too defensive. Chances are that no personal slight exists or is intended. There's just no better term out there right now. ("Masculine" seems to have fallen by the wayside - and rightly so. There are very few straight men that I would go out of my way to describe as masculine. Most of them are straight acting though.)
I agree that people may use the term without it being derogatory, which was the case with my buddy Nando!
However, a far greater majority of people who use the term "straight acting" absolutely wield it as a weapon towards those they see as being more effeminate. They are indeed embarrassed to be liked to their queer cousins because of the negative attributes that comes with being gay. It is their way of weeding out undesirables they don't want to associate with -- or be associated with.
I'm curious why you would ever even need to describe another human being as someone "the average person on the street wouldn't know he/she was gay unless they asked?" ... why do you need to quantify how gay or not gay somebody acts?
On the reverse, guys who don't like Madonna, can't match their clothes, don't decorate or make floral arrangements aren't somehow less gay...but there's a stigma there too.
The point is just to celebrate everybody and not limit ourselves and our community to one defining trait.
Thanks for reading & adding your thoughts!
See, that’s why this is such a ridiculous topic. The whole article started with the sentence, “Nando wrote this blog about accepting all gay types, not just the ‘fierce, fabulous’ TV types,” but then you ask why I would ever have to quantify how gay another human being is. I don’t have to quantify how gay another human is per se, but if a discussion is going to start out with the premise that there are types of gays, then it’s disingenuous to say that I can’t group them into types.
(Just to clarify, the topic "accepting people" is good. The framing was poor.)
Anyway, thanks for writing the blog. I've been trying to start at the earliest post and read my way forward. It's interesting to see the progression. I originally stumbled across it because I too am trying to make this a transformative year for myself.
(I say I've been trying to start at the earliest post, but then I notice tags like "nude dudes" and chronological order goes out the window.)
Dan, I suppose in my mind, what "type" of gay somebody is does not equate to "how gay they appear" ... but I agree the whole thing is rather silly. We’re all multi-dimensional people worthy of love and acceptance. I’d never check a single box to describe myself, unless there’s a “hot bitch” box!
It seems to me that your position is "straight acting" is simply a way to classify a type of gay; however to many in our community it means to perpetrate an idea of being something you are not -- to appear to be something other than a gay person. Remember that sodomy laws once made it all but illegal to be openly gay in the USA. The "straight acting" types lived a double life...that still has a fairly negative connotations.
Today, especially those who classify themselves as “straight acting” often have a VERY negative view towards those who don’t (or could not).
So it is less the classification, but more so this specific phrase and the way is it used that seems to offend some people (although I am not offended...I do not always like what it may imply).
Your comments have challenged me to fully realize my thoughts here and I thank you for that…keep reading! More nude dudes to come…!!!
OMG You soooo took the words out of my mouth. It is always the straight acting ones that want to bottom lol. I hate that term with a PASSION
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