Online life: BEST SPAM COMMENT EVER!

I know a lot of y'all have your own blogs (because I read them!) so maybe you've gotten this comment recently? It made me laugh so hard, I almost approved it to post.

"HELP! I’m currently being held prisoner by the Russian mafia and being forced to post spam comments on blogs and forum! If you don’t approve this penis enlargement supplement [link deleted] they will kill me. They’re coming back now. Please send help!"

Seriously? The best.

Celeb Fitness: Stephen Dorff's no-gym workout

Because a good message is worth repeating...build a home gym! ALL YOU NEED IS A SET OF DUMBELLS, A DYBAND (or other rubber tubing) AND A JUMP ROPE.

How to look good naked: Stephen Dorff does circut training.

The 'Blade' hottie is still sexy fine at 37 and way hotter than those Twilight twinks (although it is perfectly acceptable to lust over them as well, as evidenced here and here).

Not everyone likes to go to the gym, so Stephen is a good example of how to stay fit outside the confines of a fitness center.

To perform this body circuit training workout at home, you just need the aforementioned dumbells, dyband, and jump rope.

Do 15 to 20 reps of each move with 30 seconds of jumping rope between exercises. Before you get started, warm up by either jogging in place or jumping rope for five minutes to get your heart rate up.

CHEST PRESS (aka dumbell Bench Press)
Equipment: Dumbbells
Target area: the muscles of the chest (pecs), triceps and front of shoulders (anterior delts)
Lie on your back on a bench (or the floor) with a dumbbell in each hand. Bend your arms so that your elbows form right angles (90 degrees), palms facing outward, in the direction of your feet. "Press" (push) the dumbbells up toward the ceiling, bringing them slightly toward one another at the same time, so that the motion is actually a slight arc; when your arms are extended, the dumbbells should be just slightly less than shoulder width apart. Lower to the starting position, and repeat for reps.

JUMP ROPE 30 SECONDS

ROW (aka Seated Row)
Equipment: Dynaband or other rubber tubing
Target area: the muscles of the back, specifically lats and rhomboids
Sit on the floor with your feet extended in front of you. Wrap the Dynaband around your feet and grab one end with each hand. Keep your lower back erect and bring your hands and arms from an extended position back into your body. At the completion of the movement, your hands should be just below your chest and your elbows just outside your ribs.

JUMP ROPE 30 SECONDS

SHOULDER PRESS (also known as Dumbbell Press, Seated Dumbbell Press)
Equipment: Dumbbells
Target area: the muscles of the shoulders (delts)
Stand with feet shoulder width apart. Bend your arms so that your elbows form right angles (90 degrees) and hold them at shoulder height. Press the dumbbells up toward the ceiling and slightly in toward each other until your arms are almost fully extended. Return to starting position.

JUMP ROPE 30 SECONDS

BICEP CURL
Equipment: Dumbbells
Target Area: the biceps (front of the upper arms)
Sit on a bench with your elbows at your sides and your palms up. Lower the dumbbell toward the floor, then lift it three quarters of the way to your shoulders. Return to start.

JUMP ROPE 30 SECONDS

LYING DUMBBELL TRICEP EXTENSION
Equipment: Dumbbells or a Barbell
Target Area: the triceps (backs of the arms)
Lying on your back on a bench, extend your arms straight up holding the dumbbells. Hinging at the elbow joint, bring the dumbbells on either side of your head towards your ears. Extend your arms up bringing the dumbbells towards the ceiling. Don't let your elbows wander out away from each other.

JUMP ROPE 30 SECONDS

LUNGES
Target Area: the muscles of the legs (quads, hamstrings) and the butt (glutes)
Extend one leg forward and bend it at the knee, making sure your knee doesn't extend beyond your foot. Drop the rear knee toward the floor and then straighten it. Alternate legs.

JUMP ROPE 30 SECONDS

CRUNCHES
Target Area: the muscles of the abs
Keep your knees bent and feet flat on the floor. Interlace your fingers and cradle your head with your hands. Keep your elbows pointing out. Slowly crunch upward, making sure to keep your lower back flat against the floor. Return to starting position.

JUMP ROPE 30 SECONDS


Don't forget to pop that ass!

Lifestyle: 101 Party Tips

Pretty sure this Andrew WK guy is awesome. Plus, we have the same junk food affection (Cheetos are my weakness)

I know some of you are still scratching your ass about this Twitter thing; like who cares? Whatever, you're into it or not -- but there are a few bits of gold to be found in all that shifting brain sand.

This dude has the right attitude and I love his party tips. Some of my favorite tweets of his are below (see all 101 on buzzfeed).

PARTY TIP: Affirmations work! Say nice things to yourself, like: "Everyday I get stronger, wiser and better at partying."

PARTY TIP: A great person is one who makes others feel great. Make someone feel great right now!

PARTY TIP: Put your party where your mouth is.

PARTY TIP: Realize that your best friends could die tomorrow. Tell them you love them today. And do use the word "LOVE."

PARTY TIP: The biggest fear some people have is being who they really are.

PARTY TIP: Be awesomer.

PARTY TIP: Always remember to pleasure yourself.

PARTY TIP: You're alive, so you might as well have a blast. What else is life for except giving your all and having a ball?

PARTY TIP: The only real failure in life is not following your heart. That and not partying.

PARTY TIP: When the going gets tough, the tough get a party going.

PARTY TIP: If you don't go over the top, you won't get to the other side.

Home: Bathroom Makeover

Holy Hell, I'm a hoarder. A beauty product hoarder, to be exact.

This is what happens to the male beauty guru. Yes, of course I'll review your product -- send me a sample! Only they never send a one-packet sample. They send several full-size bottles. I have to drastically change my product-testing process. Throwing everything on the bathroom counter, stuffing it under the sink or otherwise piling cosmetics is not the answer. I truly feel it would be a waste to throw them away, but not many people want used personal products so I rarely pass them on to friends (I have, however, had people test products and report back). Ultimately, I was wasting stuff anyways. I discovered things that were hidden away YEARS ago. The average shelf-life for any active ingredient is 2 years or less, even if there is no expiration date. Saving everything still doesn't make it last forever. Oh and yes, even with all that free crap coming in I continued to buy myself things from the beauty aisle. There are staples I can't live without and new stuff I wanted to try that I couldn't get for free. Sure, there's more to life than being really, really good looking, I just haven't discovered what those things are yet. When I do, I will spend a disproportionate amount of my expendable cash on them.

Before: total disaster, with the nasal spray I used from my nose job very necessary surgery still hanging out because there was no room to put things, except on top of other things.

After: only the electric stuff remains (SoniCare toothbrush & Clarisonic facial brush)


Before: a mess of hairspray, lotions, face creams, soft soaps, zit killers and a pouch full of nail care necessities.

After: hand soap, face wash, hand sanitizer & lotion, with candles and a decorative elephant stone carving.

Before: the cabinets were full too.

After: bins only contain products I use regularly; including alternatives and back-ups (I buy in bulk).

The result: OMG! There was a photo of the two massive garbage bags filled with toss outs, but I couldn't find it so just trust me in that all the stuff from before is in cosmetic heaven now, beautifying the angels.

Celeb Fitness: How Omar Epps Trains His Snake

Omar Epps shakes his snake at 37 today.

As one Hollywood's fittest and most hungsome (link NSFW) TV docs, Omar hits the gym like it's a job.

"I like to stay fit as much as I can," he tells men's fitness. "Right now, I'm doing five-day-a-week workouts, for about an hour and a half to two hours. I try to do them in the morning. It just varies—Mondays and Wednesdays, upper body, and Tuesdays and Thursdays, lower body. Friday is just a general workout: at least a half hour of cardio, then machines and free weights...Im doing the platinum workout, which is LL Cool's J's workout."

"I use something called magma plus, which is an all-natural green food, and I make a fruit shake in the mornings, and I have a multi-vitamin. I don't do too many amino acids, flax seeds and all that stuff. That's like real specific stuff when you're going for a certain look."

Lifestyle Lesson: Be Present

Giorgio Armani doesn't give a fuck!

Sorry if this pictures makes your eyes run to the back of your head. Get over ageism for a second and let's all take a mental note: THIS IS OUR FUTURE. Deal with it.

At 76 years old, this pepaw is still making fashion his bitch. When I'm a dirty old pervert (already there except the old part) I'll be flashing my hot shit in mini man-kinis anytime they let me out in public. These guys know what I'm talking about.

Observing those who totally don't give a shit about shit reminds me to stay present. So many times in my life, I'm overly focused on "what next?" What tomorrow will bring; my deadlines, how much time I have to get things done, what appointments are in my book, etc. I get myself so worked up that sometimes I get a stomach ache.

Last night, I was in a real mood. I'd been upset about everything all day, my workload was stressing me out, and I need a haircut. I didn't feel good about myself and was all pouty. I had an event I was attending that night, which seemed like a fucking chore. It was a goddamn party. Thankfully, someone special reminded me to be present. "Look around at all this," he said, pointing to the sprawling view of Los Angeles, the beautiful pool, the sunset, gorgeous guys all around and an open bar. "Life is beautiful," he told me. At that moment, I had to admit he was RIGHT.

As we stood there, in the present, there was no past or future. Life was in that moment, and it was beautiful. Almost as beautiful as an old man in a speedo. Almost.

Hump Day Sex Quiz: She's a lady?

Remember Caster Semenya?

The 19-year-old was forced to undergo gender tests by the International Association of Athletics Federations (IAAF) after she took Olympic gold in the women's 800-meter in Berlin. People speculated that she was a man, or had man parts. I'm pretty sure bitches were just jealous of her cramazing abdominals.

She hasn't been allowed to comete for almost a year while the IAAF poked around her genital area or whatever.

In the meantime, a huge debate erupted over whether it was fair to let her compete and if her gold medal should be taken away.

Unconfirmed reports said that Caster had internal testies, lacked a womb and it was even rumored that she had three times the testosterone of a regular woman. She was also supposedly advised to undergo surgery to avoid potential health problems.

A bunch of shits said she looked like a man, so therefore it was a dude. Case closed! It's called HAVING EYES. That's all it takes to judge people, right? Aside from the fact that she was raised as and self-identified as a woman, clearly a bunch of outsiders who knew nothing about her should determine which gender she should be living!

Well, the IAAF looked up her skirt and officially cleared her to compete -- as a women. The organization says medical details would remain confidential and it will have no further comment on the matter.

first race since being cleared to return to competition

Caster recently returned to the track and is back to kicking ass. She won her first race since being cleared and is aiming to make South Africa's team for the Commonwealth Games.

When it comes to competition, it is a bit of a grey area as any winner or loser will be dependent on their own biological advantages or disadvantages. Where do you draw the line?

Body Image: Jake Shears furry hotness

Jake Shears, if you're unfamiliar with this hot ape, is the fontman for the Scissor Sisters (new video below). He's openly gay and not afraid to be sex-ay.



Except...I don't actually think he's that hot or whatever, technically. He's sexy. More than that, his attitude and flamboyant personality make him more attractive. If he were a meek hipster singer-songwriter with an acoustic guitar, I'd pass.

As a super-tight pant wearing, high-note singing queen, he's totally bad ass and doable. What makes Jake Shears hot is his own sense of body image and self-esteem, the "I don't give a fuck" attitude that comes with being decidedly NOT worried about what people may think of him.

I've always had trouble with that last part. I want people to like me, often to a fault. This is probably because I was raised in a very small town always knowing I was different. I didn't have many friends growing up, except my cousins and brothers. I was never the popular kid in school. I was often picked on or taunted, which I ignored because the same group of asshats picked on everybody. It was an extremely small school, so they had to widen their target range to cheerleaders and fellow athletes. Everybody got shit, so whatever. That was a long time ago and people who hold on to that shit really need to see a therapist. Point is, nobody really wanted to hang out or be my friend. It has taken me a long time to get to a point where I don't try to make people like me by compromising part of myself or trying to get what I want in a passive aggressive manner so as not to upset them. It kind of feels good to say: If you don't like it, fuck you!

Images thanks to Tetu mag (via SquareHippies.com)

Health: A tale of two Coreys

Corey Feldman pokes 39 today.

It is almost impossible to mention this childhood crush without also mentioning the other Corey, as they were the same age, stared in many of the same movies and were otherwise pretty much inseparable in the '80s.

As time went on, the two Coreys went different ways. Feldman turned his life around by kicking his bad habits, while Haim died of a drug overdose on March 10, 2010.

Now a daddy, Feldman is a vegetarian and an animal rights and environmental activist. He was even awarded the Paws of Fame Award by the Wildlife Way Station for his dedication to animal rights. (p.s. LOL at Paws of Fame Award. Who names these things?)

If anybody needs convincing to get off the bad shit, this picture above says more than a thousand words. Can you spot the crackhead?

Life: Live out loud

Toronto pride pics: Through my eyes...

Why must the gays march in the street to proclaim their sexuality? Because we want to be in your face, obviously.

In a world that continues to discriminate, prosecute, verbally abuse, phycially bash, arrest and kill homosexuals (thanks, Iran!) there has to be a strong message that we stand united to fight the evils in the world. Especially underwear.

These guys, geesh. What is your grandpa doing running the streets naked -- again?!? Showing the world what a hot old bitch he is, bacially. Hey, I think I recognize that guy from the clothing-optional beach!

In order to take these cramazing photos I had to stand on a window ledge. It was very small and I had to balance on my heels, which hurt. So much foot pain, but there was the slightest bit of shade there too; once I got in position I wasn't about to get down off that perch. I was a little gay birdie!

Sean and I hug it out on the dance floor. In some countries, this much physical contact between two men is illegal. IN YOUR FACE!

Here's a rando pic of people walking around the gay village. If you look closely you can see my favorite new type of gay: The sexy caveman.

Enhance. These dudes are not bears or leather daddies, they're regular homos -- WITH BODY AND FACIAL HAIR. Living in Los Angeles has obviously fucked with me, because I'm convinced this breed of gay boy is Canada specific. We just don't have sexy cavemen in the States.

We do, however, have slutty go-go boys. Canadians, sort of like us! What I really enjoyed about TO pride was that most of the business had their own pride display going on. Some storefronts were giving away waters or fans, while others put their wares on display in homoerotic fashion. At other pride festivals I've been to, they're either held in an area away from local business (not smart) or the shop simply opens their doors like any other day with a flag display in the window.

The second type of homo not in LA -- the gay guido. I'd bone. This isn't a look I go for, but if I expect my man to deal with my questionable fashions then I really can't say shit.

Growing up in a small town as I did, seeing a crowd of gays this large is still pretty awe inspiring. As an individual, I had to stand up for myself and often felt intimidated by the straight society that surrounded and looked down upon me. In a group this size, nothing is off limits and everybody can just get down with their gay self. Go gays! The moral of this story in full color digital is simple (yet so hard to do): Be proud to be yourself. LIVE OUT LOUD

Out of all the dudes in all the stages of undress I saw that day, our waiter dressed as a sexy navel-baring clown for no reason was my favorite. Who cares if it makes sense or not, this guy is serving it his way.

More TO pics: Drinking on a clothing optional beach

Lifestyle Lesson: You're a homo

Living an out life seems like the obvious choice. One can't deny their true nature, thereby spending the rest of their days living a complete lie is akin to self-inflicted torture.

Not so shockingly (if you know anything about phycology), all those asshat dipshits who try to hold back the equal rights movement are often fiercely closeted homosexuals. Those are some dangerous bitches. Be true to who you are, and demand the same (especially from law making representatives) in return.

As ever, a little humor sheds some light on the issue without being heavy handed. Thank you, Sherry Vine! p.s. you're a homo.

Lifestyle Libations: Drinking on a clothing-optional beach

p.s. That is SUNSCREEN on my nose. Actually.

On day 2 of my journey to Toronto, we took a trip to the islands. This is me during the short water-bound journey, with the CN tower poking out the back of my head. Ouch!

The city looks really pretty from just about any angle. I love tall buildings. During this particular jaunt, we decided to visit the clothing optional beach. It's gay. No, duh. You can guess what goes on behind the dunes.

Sean and Dallas help illustrate the types of men who go fully nude at these kind of gayttractions by hardcore supermodel posing as my fake foreground. It seemed a bit too obvious to just take a picture of naked people on the beach. Parts have been blurred to spare your vision. To ease the eyesore, we drank!

My friends did a shimmy spell to bring some cuties our are way, but the magic was not with us that day.

To make up for the loss of hotness, Sean showed his coin slot. What a tease!

Guess what? I'm not wearing any pants! I didn't actually feel the need to liberate myself, it seemed like such a spectacle. The experience did help shed my inhibitions (sure, I still have some of those). It made me realize that most of the young guys were too far self-aware and insecure to be comfortable naked in public, while the so-called trolls (a fun term for an older gay man, a fate that awaits us all) who were too old to give a shit. They have learned their life lesson, which is to say fuckets to whatever those asshole kids are yammering about, free their man berries from confinement and eliminate those tan lines. The phrase that pays is clothing OPTIONAL, nudity not required. Nobody is going to force you to disrobe or cruise the dunes. Take this lifestyle challenge: Don't pass up the opportunity to explore one of these places if you get the chance. None of these people will ever see you or your parts again, so who cares?!? p.s. Try not so stare.



After the beach, we put our clothes on and walked around downtown, where I saw some really cool churches, some dude playing a bagpipe, a building with my name on it and the Umbrella Corporation HQ (a.k.a. Toronto City Hall).