Beauty: Million Dollar Hair

I thought this was a joke. That's Troy Polamalu's real hair!

At this point it should be obvious I don't follow sports and get all my information from commercials. Even though TV teaches me things, it also lies to me in the from of make believe and misinformation (especially if I'm watching Fox). I never know what to believe!

Head & Shoulders said in a statement that Troy's "hair is so thick that, end to end, it spans 1,100 football fields and can hold approximately 24,062 pounds." Troy, who is the safety for the Pittsburgh Steelers, hasn't cut his hair in more than 7 years.

Troy added, "It’s like J.Lo's insured butt! Head & Shoulders has gone above and beyond by insuring my Samoan locks for a cool $1 million dollars. This reinforces that my full and thick hair is unstoppable."

Troy seems a little hit and miss. Is he hot or scary lookin'?

I personally don't use Head & Shoulders because I'm a product snob (I use Catwalk and Neil George). Grocery store bargain bin? Pass. This seems like a good time to remind y'all of the Top 10 Hair Mistakes (follow the link for an expanded explination)

10) Over-washing

9) Under-conditioning

8) Wrong products

7) Breakage

6) No protection

5) Hair color maintenance

4) Wearing the wrong cut

3) Over processing

2) Wearing the wrong hair color

1) Self-service

Relationships: Let's Get to Know Each Other

We're friends, right?

One thing I rarely blog about are my relationships. Sure, I talk about sex all the time and how important it is to have a regular fuck partner, because the sex diet is a real thing and it works! Otherwise, I intentionally keep it vague.

The reason for this is because when you blog about other people without their permission they no longer trust you privately. Public figures are fair game; they asked for it. I happily parade myself around like a slutty sex kitten (example: this big bulge) because I endorse a healthy self image. And I'm an unapologetic narcissist.

All the while I'm building a relationship with you, dear reader. Taking a few random questions I totally ripped off was inspired to inquire after reading Josh is Trashy, let's play Q&A! Questions are below. Reply in the comments with YOUR answers and let's get to know each other a little better.

If you could change anything in the world...EQUALITY

There are still people who think mixed-race marriages are wrong, so I don't expect the world to accept the gays. But duh, they should. All men are created equal, it's in the Declaration of Independence -- and if you go against that you hate the USA are are a damn terrorist.

If you had a plane ticket to anywhere in the world, you would visit...BEACHES

The best vacation destination always has a beach, or at least a fabulous swimming pool.

If you could visit any time period, you would choose...CHRISTMAS

I live in the now, there is no desire to go back in time. A time before smart phones? Fucking kill me. There is a special time of year that brings people together and stuffs my stocking. Win!

If you could, you would spend time with one famous person...SPARRO

Sam Sparro is too pretty for me, but I'd love to spend more time with him anyways. He's extremely talented, super sweet and fucking cute. Sam, call me!

If you were in prison, you would spend your time...DROPPING THE SOAP

You know my bitch ass would have to be sequestered because I'd drive all the mens crazy. Fellas, get in line! Take a number! Don't riot up in here, there's enough of me to go around!

Lifestyle: Chris Pine's Tips for Success

Set phasers to STUNNING! 'Star Trek' stud Chris Pine is keeping it hot at 30 today.

His cheating ways break my heart. You said I was the only one, Chris. You bitch!

His breakthrough success in 'Star Trek' came with a ginormous amount of pressure. Every decision seemed like a major milestone, because he was afraid to fuck up. The problem with this is that you aren't looking forward because you're too busy imagining what it'll feel like to look backward, wondering what you should have done instead. "I think the most dangerous word in the English language is should," the actor says. "I should have done this. Or I should do that. Should implies responsibility. It connotes demand. Which is just not the case. Life ebbs and flows."

"You don't have control over your situation. But you have a choice about how you view it." His from of therapy? "I talk to myself, especially in the car. I do it to work through ideas, or if I'm pissed off. I use the interior of the car like it's a [therapist's office]," he says.

Using the buddy system with Zachary Quinto.

More of Chris's tips for success:

Be Your Own Captain: Face life head on.

Respect the past, but don't mimic it: To become James T. Kirk, he stopped watching William Shatner and began to focus on himself.

Be ready and willing to fail: "You realize your failures weren't even failures," he adds. "You just weren't as good as you thought you'd be."

Perspective is everything: "I play a make-believe captain of a make-believe spaceship. Responsibility is only what you place on yourself."

Celeb Fitness: Alexander Skarsgard Does 5-Day Plan

Alexander Skarsgard sucks on 34 today.

The Stockholm-born hottie stays in shape by lifting weights and running on the treadmill. He says he tries to work out 5 days a week because he "doesn't like being so skinny."

Tales for Whales: Alexander poses to help raise awareness about the threats facing whales and their habitats including commercial whaling and climate change.

He go involved at the urging of his castmate Kristin Bauer, who I interviewed last year about playing a 'True Blood' baddie and giving back. Read it!

If you want to join the campaign, all you have to do to help these gentle giants is to take a photo of yourself making a whale tail with your hands and submit it to IFAW. Go to www.ifaw.org/tailsforwhales and submit your photo. You can also visit the website to learn more about whales and urge your representative to co-sponsor the International Whale Conservation and Protection Act.

Fitness Fatty

This is an oldie but a goodie: From fit to fat!

Christ on a cracker I love the UK's Daily Mail. That rag is so full of wild ass shit I don't even know what's real, photoshop enhanced or just completely made up. Supposedly this dude used to be a hot piece who deliberately junked himself up to get fat in order to relate to his overweight gym clients.

"I was finding it difficult to relate to my overweight gym members so I have decided to crank up my weight to experience life as an overweight person," he is quoted as saying. "I have always been telling my clients who have come through the gym's doors that weight loss shouldn't be difficult, but it has reached the point where I can't relate and by doing this it should make me a better personal trainer."

It's pretty clear this dude already had a fat heat with extra cheese for brains, so I'm just not sure intentionally evoking a Dorito gut was necessary. Fit people can snap back into shape much faster than a newbie at the gym, so the entire exercise is pointless, basically.

Understanding people means communicating effectively in order to see things from their perspective; it does not mean you have to literally walk in their shoes. By his own admission, he says he believes weight loss should be easy. When his clients failed, he failed to see why, because he'd already failed as a trainer. FAIL!

Getting in shape, no matter how you dress it up or make it fun (which is possible if you're a sadist), is still fucking hard work! Staying in shape is a concentrated effort as well.

Opening yourself to the plight of others is hard work, too. It takes a great deal of empathy, which may require you to exercise your mind. Try not to hurt yourself.

Lifestyle: Vampire Culture

There's something terribly erotic about the new Rolling Stone.

Dark sided types have long lusted over these creatures of the night, whatever their sexual orientation. Most vampire stories are hypersexual in nature, which helps.

"To me, vampires are sex," says 'True Blood' head writer Alan Ball. "I don’t get a vampire story about abstinence. I’m 53. I don’t care about high school students. I find them irritating and uninformed."

Meanwhile, Alexander Skarsgard refuses to wear a sock during nude scenes, saying, "I don't want a sock around it, that feels ridiculous. If we're naked in the scene, then I'm naked. I've always been that way."
(Jump into bed with Alex here)

p.s. I know I'm always shamlessly self-promoting, but if you give a shit check out Blood Lust: Erotic Vampire Tales, which features a tale by yours truly.

Lifestyle: Foot Pianist

I'm not one of those people who believes we should selfishly look at the misfortunes of others to feel better about ourselves. Somehow that just seems insensitive.

I am rather inspired by people who accomplish great things by overcoming the shit that life throws at them.

The translation is not the best, but if you watch the clip above be prepared with some tissue. For your crying eyes, not to clean up your love puddle, pervert.

When 23-year-old Liu Wei was 10-years-old, he lost both of his arms after he touched an electrified wire during a game of hide and seek. 8 years later, Liu decided to pursue his dream of becoming a professional piano player.

I often get all wrapped up in how much I work and what I get in return. I'm reminded of something a friend once told me when I complained that all my hard work wasn't paying off as I'd like. He said simply, then work even harder.

Beauty: Madonna Becomes Perfectly Preserved

This bitch is 52. Madonna is my mom's age, which sort of makes her whole sexy whore thing a little weird. I could NEVER EVEN IMAGINE my mother doing the things Madonna does, because my mom is so classy. Obviously class skips a generation, or something.

Some people suggest we should do this thing called "aging gracefully," but I don't understand why that can't include some scheduled maintenance.

I've already blogged about some of my own minor and ongoing corrections, although my nose, Spock ear and forehead were technically medical issues and not just cosmetic.

While there's no desire to radically change any of my features, I have every intent to continue fighting the aging process. Give me the full Madonna!

Mental Health: Triskaidekaphobia vs Paraskavedekatriaphobia

Today is the final Friday the 13th of 2010. Spooky!

In the standard international calendar (smart note: also the Gregorian calendar) Friday the 13th occurs at least once, but at most three times a year.

FACTOID: Any month's 13th day will fall on a Friday if the month starts on a Sunday.

Triskaidekaphobia: From Greek -- tris meaning 3, kai meaning and, deka meaning 10 -- is a fear of the number 13.

Paraskavedekatriaphobia: A specific fear of Friday the 13th.

Presumably if you have one you have the other, so I have no idea why there are to separate yet equally ridiculously named conditions that refer to what essentially amounts to the same thing. These fears are completely irrational, but when you believe in something it gains power. While a million other bad things have ALSO happened on other days with different dates, somebody who fears Friday the 13th will blame this particular day on any trouble that occurs.

Happy Friday from a friendly naked gay! Hopefully you learned a little something today.

Celeb Fitness: Be a biker babe

What I love about celebs like Jake Gyllenhaal is that they don't just casually pick up a new sport, they commit in FULL GEAR.

Jake is peddling a Cannondale road bike. That particular model costs around $3000, which is actually fairly modest considering that some of their higher-end bikes close in around the $10,000 mark. (I'm actually looking to get a secondhand Quick 4, which cost $600 brand-new, so there are somewhat more affordable options).

But it's not just the equipment itself, Jakey and his fellow friends on wheels have to coordionate their tight-fitting outfits too. He was very smart to go with a gray helmet, because it goes with everything!

During pride in Toronto, Canada (see pics) we noticed that all the hottest guys were riding bikes. My friend who lives there declared, "I've got to get myself a bike!" In so doing we theorized it would be a way to talk to the hot guys about bike stuff, plus it would be the only way to catch up with them. It totally made sense at the time.

It's a great way to get around town, and an easy introduction to talk to other bikers about their ride or good trails to go on. Plus, with all those calories burned from peddling, they’ll be checking your fine form out in return!

Other biking benefits:

• Increased mobility: Riding a bike helps keep muscles moving to improve overall range of motion.

• Reduced stress: People who enjoy the scenery are more chill. Science!

• Improved muscle tone: Check out Lance Armstrong’s legs!

• Weight-loss: Great cardio, obviously.

• Contributes to energy efficiency: Zero emissions provide a very green way to travel.

To catch a hot bitch like Jakey, become a biker babe!

Wordless Wednesday: The CN Tower

Lifestyle: Pet My Pussy

Fathering a child isn't always easy. There are additional responsibilities, expenses and chores that come with being a daddy. Yet, there are also moments of pride you can share with the world (on websites like Cute Boys with Cats and Boys and Cats in particular)

I'm even a little furry myself (if you squint you can see about 3 chest hairs) so I'm a big fan of petting. Especially heavy petting.

Above all else, pets are good for your health! Having a furry friend can improve:

* Overall mood (I've read that people without pets are 3 times more likely to experience symptoms of depression)
* Blood pressure (Even better than pills, druggie)
* Stress levels (Which is why evil bad guys have cats on their lap, world domination is hella stressful)
* Cholesterol & Triglyceride levels (Healthy shit, no additional comment)
* Feelings of loneliness (My pussy is always there for me; she doesn't judge or care what I look like -- only that I feed her regularly)

I seriously want a leash for my cat. Obviously, going on walks encourages outside activities and opens up opportunities to socialize. I'm a people person.

Pets (and boys with light, fluffy chest hair) also make good cuddlers.

Health: The Sex Diet

Not everybody can be sexy, but everybody should have sex. Because, health and stuff.

Yes, sex is good for you!

1) Sex Relieves Stress: For fast acting stress relief, get boned.
2) Sex Boosts Immunity: Regular fuck sessions (1-2 times a week or more) have been linked with higher levels of an antibody which can help prevent colds and other infections.
3) Sex Improves Cardiovascular Health: The more you do it, the longer you can do it!
4) Sex Boosts Self-Esteem: "One of the reasons people say they have sex is to feel good about themselves," Dr. Gina Ogden, a sex therapist and marriage and family therapist, tells WebMD. "Great sex begins with self-esteem, and it raises it. If the sex is loving, connected, and what you want, it raises it."
5) Sex Improves Intimacy: Nothing says "I love you" like sticking it in.
6) Sex Reduces Pain: Sex can also CAUSE pain, if you're doing it right. As the hormone oxytocin surges, endorphins increase, and pain declines.
7) Sex Reduces Prostate Cancer Risk: Frequent ejaculations, especially in 20-something men, may reduce the risk of prostate cancer later in life. Free pass to jerk it, dudes; "I'm preventing cololn cancer!"
8) Sex Strengthens Pelvic Floor Muscles: For women, doing Kegels during sex will increase pleasure and also strengthen the area and help to minimize the risk of incontinence later in life.
9) Sex Helps You Sleep Better: Oxytocin released during orgasm also promotes sleep, as every dude in history can attest. That's why your man knocks out once he knocks one out.
10) Sex Burns Calories: Slutty slim secret!

This last factoid is my personal favorite.

There are 3500 calories in a pound of fat. Have sex for an hour and you can lose about 300 of those calories.

According to the Kinsey Institute, average frequency of sexual intercourse is:
2.15 times per week (age 18-29)
1.65 times per week (age 30-39)
1.33 times per week (age 40-49)

The average couple has sex about 1.68 times a week, lasting approximately 24.4 minutes.

Fellow blogger Toy Couture does the math: "That means those folks are barely clearing 300 calories a week. Those who are more sexually active can burn up to 600 calories a session; Have sex at least 6 times during the week and burn 1 pound a week. It's obvious regular sexual activiy is a great way to help loose weight and stay fit. Even more reason to go out and have hot sweaty sex! Toy Couture has officially given you the green light to FUCK YOURSELF THIN!!!"

I co-sign this sentiment. Plus, rubber gear is way less expensive than a gym membership.

Health: Take a Spa Day

Sometimes a bitch needs to be served and it's perfectly acceptable to pay for a happy ending.

Trust me my friends, it is good to pamper yourself. Every now and then I manage to scrape up enough extra cash to spoil myself. I'm not poor by any means, but I try to be somewhat thrifty. I like to give myself little treats every payday (usually around $20-40), but lately I've been a little low on cash flow because of my bills and social commitments.

This past week I spent $100 on cat grooming. It's a specialized service that comes to you. My pussy is traumatized. She doesn't like to go on car rides and I can't listen to her cry at top volume for longer than 10 seconds before it scrambles my brain. ANYways...I love that little slut, but I deserve fancy grooming too.

A buddy of mine happens to do massage and invited me to partake in a special. For $99 (a bargain compared to kitty) I get the following:
25 minute sea salt body scrub
30 minute massage
30 minute facial
Complimentary Lemon Martini's
Complimentary Steam

Without even counting the bonus hand job, this is a pretty good deal. This weekend, take some time to pamper yourself. If you don't have the money, do it yourself (double entendre intended). Try an at-home honey facial or just turn the shower on heat and let the bathroom steam up wile you relax in candle light.

Today's health tip: Take a spa day!

Lifestyle: Don't Hate On Me

As everybody probably knows, Prop 8 -- which banned same sex marriages in California -- was overturned on the grounds of being unconstitutional.

It is often said that homosexuality is a lifestyle choice, which I think anybody with a brain basically dismisses. Sexual orientation is no more a choice than eye color. There is certainly a gay lifestyle, typically, because there are certain social patterns every community follows; events and activities, clubs, relationships, etc.

Even so, gay ass gays like me who live in a rainbow town don't necessarily fit into stereotypes. For example, I have no idea what designer anybody is wearing and I don't drive a Miata.

We are all different! Yet, we should all have the same rights. Please join the cause in your area to make legal discrimination against GLBT people a thing of the past. I would highly recommend getting involved with the NoH8 campaign, which I posed for last summer. It is a fabulous way to make a statement with only a little commitment (i.e. a good way to get a foot in the water). When the Prop 8 peeps appeal the decision, the issue will go to the US Supreme Court. Now more than ever, strength is in numbers. No amount of legality can demolish prejudice. In order to change minds, people have to be shown the way with leadership. Make a statement that says "I support gay marriage."

Equal rights isn't a gay issue, it is a human issue. No matter your orientation, don't hate on me.

you can't hate on me
because my mind is free
feel my destiny
so shall it be

Life in Pics: Wordless Wednesday

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Deskstyles: Create a clean space

Hello again, welcome to SLOB CONFESSIONS. Here, I'm posing here with my desk full of clutter.

I have a very simple set up; a basic drafting table with a balance ball as a chair. Ultimately, I want to upgrade to some high class shit. Before that happens, I had to take stock. It seemed impossible to determine what type of desk set-up I really needed with a bunch of crap piles stinking up the place. In effect, until I knew what I was working with, there was no point in buying something to store my stuff in if I didn't know how much stuff and why type of stuff I really had to deal with. So much stuff!

Before: everything went on the desktop. Files, notebooks, computer duster for quick wiffing (JK!), endless notes, piles of post-its, checkbook, toys, loose pens, old birthday cards, calculator, camera, camera case, paperclip bin, and that giant thing to the right is a massive pen case with a lifetime supply of pens, pencils, sharpies, highlighters, white out, tape, staples -- which go into a cute little orange mini-stapler hidden somewhere under all that mess.

After: begone! All those old stickums and notepads didn't hold the secrets to time travel, they were just old notes to self I'd failed to throw out fearing I would need some piece of information later. Turns out my grocery lists and feature rundowns aren't much use after the fact. They found a new home called the recycle bin. The files were moved to a new location, and the giant pen case is now neatly contained in one of the desk drawers, which were cleared of old Men's Health magazines I'd alraedy tore the important pages out of to continue research the ultimate 6-pack. Plus, you can see that cute mini-stapler.

MORE! See my closet makeover & bathroom makeover

Life & Love: Julie's Reality Recaps

Tonight is the finale of 'The Bachelorette.' I hope this Roberto guy wins because he's the cutest and sort of not a complete tool. Also, not white! The show has a history of only marrying off white people, probably. I really don't know for sure, because I don't actually watch. I read my friend Julie's fabulously funny recaps on her blog, The Take Home Message

I could go on some diatribe about what a waste reality shows are, how they're a sham, and everybody is stupid. Or whatever. The thing is, TV has always been full of the worst crap in creation. It is mindless drivel. There are EXTREMELY RARE shows that stand alone because they're not a steaming pile of crap; however they're quickly taken off the air if they're any good. Don't misunderstand, I LOVE TV. Let's just not pretend it is some sort of high art form that has somehow been degraded over the years. It's still a steaming pile of crap. I am like a fly drawn to that crap.

Good luck, Roberto. If Ali hands the final rose to that other guy, call me! I've got a blonde wig so we can role play.