Sex: I'd do it to Gael Garcia Bernal (for my health)

Gael Garcia Bernal taint tickles 32 today. This hot piece first came to our attention here in the States with the sexy celluloid 'Y tu mamá también.'

In the film, he and his best friend explore their bromance during a 3-way. We often forget that sexual health is an important aspect in our lives. Sometimes all it takes to open yourself up to the possibilities is a couple of good friends -- and a few shots!

According to his Frisky star sign, his sex style is animalistic: "Fitness will play a big role in the sac with Gael, because he’s got so much energy to burn that when he gets into it, he’s an animal. He’s fast, rough and consumed — and all the while, completely present. He lives his life as such and in bed this is no surprise. When it comes to doing it, he’s the guy that brings it all and each time. For every time he whips out his bad boy there is a new chance for him to forge a deeper bond with whomever he’s laying with and for him, what he is after is a life changing experience each and every time — and for everyone involved. He wants something spiritual out of his experiences, along with the obvious, as he’s the guy that screws with his soul, not just his body. Intensity is always part of his game and it is his belief that if he’s not left his conquests breathlessly reborn than he hasn’t done his job."

The line starts behind me, thanks.

Beauty: Matthew Morrison hates being sexy

I'm a little sad they shaved down Matthew Morrison on the December Details cover. He makes a cute little otter (unlike this otter).

"I'm not comfortable with the idea of my sex appeal," he says. "I know in my job I have to use it. I wish I could say I got to this point in my career based on my talent, but I don't think that's true."

Sorry Matthew, nobody is looking at your talent.

It can be hard to be comfortable in your own skin. We all have the parts we have. Might as well learn to love it and make the most. Sounds silly, but these daily affirmations work.

Fitness: Fight Holiday Fat

Bibs up, everybody. The holidays are here and that means it's time to eat! People want to stuff themselves yet remain thin and beautiful, because duh. That's how people are! We want it all. Good news! You can have it all if you work for it.

In my first major on-camera assignment for ETonline, Mark Harari (who trains Derek Hough, Melissa Joan Hart & more celebs) hooked me up with anywhere exercises to fight holiday fat!

Beauty: Scruffy HNT

This is one of the first self-portraits I took with my new nose. I'm posting it now because the facial scruff matches my current look...which was supposed to be a moustache. Except I forgot and shaved. Twice.

This month has been dubbed Movember, a month long mustache-growing event to raise awareness and money towards prostate cancer. I fully support the porn stache, the sexy answer to facial hair. My support also goes directly to the cause by donating cold hard cash.

My good buddy Sean has a special page all set up, so all you have to do is go there now.


Happy Half-Nekkid Thursday (:

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Health: Eminem is all cleaned up now

Eminem, oh yes I would. I don't know what makes somebody sexy, because Em isn't really that good looking -- but he's totally fuckable. He has a white trash swagger and anger issues that leave you wondering if he's going to smash you in the face with his mouth, or a fist. I go for crazy bitches. Those are the guys who always want to have nasty, emasculating shit done to them.

He tells Rolling Stone about...

Gaining weight: "I got up to between 220 and 230, about 80 pounds heavier than I am now. I was going to McDonald’s and Taco Bell everyday. The kids behind the counter knew me –- it wouldn’t even faze them. Or I’d sit up at Denny’s or Big Boy and just eat by myself. It was sad. I got so heavy that people started to not recognize me. I remember being somewhere and overhearing these kids talking. One of them said, ‘That’s Eminem,’ and the other said, ‘No it’s not, man – Eminem ain’t fat.’ I was like, ‘Motherfucker.’ That’s when I knew I was getting heavy."

Waking up in the hospital after overdosing on methadone: "The first thing I remember is trying to move, and I couldn’t. It’s like I was paralyzed – tubes all in me and shit. I couldn’t speak. The doctors told me I’d done the equivalent of four bags of heroin. They said I was about two hours from dying. I’d been out for two days, and when I woke up, I didn’t realize it was Christmas. So the first thing I wanted to do was call my kids. I wanted to get home, and show them that Dad’s OK."

Relapsing: "Addiction is a fucking tricky thing. I think I relapsed within…three weeks? And within a month it had ramped right back to where it was before. That’s what really freaked me out. As a father, especially, I want to be here for things – I don’t want to miss anything else. That’s when I knew: I either get help, or I am going to die."

Trying to get clean: "I tried some meetings – a couple churches and things. It tended to not do me much good. People tried to be cool, but I got asked for autographs a few times. It made me shut down. Instead I called a rehab counselor who’d helped me the first time. Now I see him once a week. I also started running like a fucking maniac. Seventeen miles a day, every day. I had days where I could hardly walk. Just replacing one addiction with another. In my mind I was trying to get down to –- what’s his name, in The Machinist? Christian Bale. Which was really fucking stupid. But I’d get a number of calories in my head I needed to burn, and no matter what, I would do it. I have a slight bit of OCD, I think. I’m not walking around flipping light switches. But when I say I’m going to do something, I have to do it."

His relationship with Elton John: "He’s like my sponsor. He calls me once a week to check on me, just to make sure I’m on the up-and-up. He was actually one of the first people I called when I wanted to get clean. He was hipping me to things like, ‘You’re going to see nature that you never noticed before.’ Shit you’d normally think was corny but that you haven’t seen in so long that you just go, ‘Wow! Look at that fucking rainbow!’ Or even little things -– trees, the color of leaves. I fucking love leaves now, man. I feel like I’ve been neglecting leaves for a long time."

Fitness: Pink is my girlfriend

You know Pink and Carey Hart heart have nasty, dirty sex. She's totally my girlfriend. Like, as in the kind of girl I would hang out with. We were the bitches cutting class, smoking in the parking lot and blowing boys behind the dumpster. Oh, high school memories. Or last week, take your pick.

Because I'm like a real writer and stuff, I often talk to celebrity types...blah blah blah you all know this crap who cares. That's beside the point. But I do have a good pink story; and tips from her trainer too.

When Pink busted out on the scene, she was hailed as the next big thing and became an instant sensation. She went to no.1 with her first single and her success hasn't stopped since; which is generally a recipe for diva behavior and a bad attitude. Instead, she has a BAD ASS attitude and was the complete opposite of a diva when the website I worked for hosted her during a live chat. She was extremely cool, introduced herself to me and sat with her legs uncrossed the whole time. When a message board troll started sending negative comments, Pink called the bitch out by saying she was "awesome" and that she wanted her "at every live chat I ever do."

It was my duty to moderate the questions. That's how I put Pink to the test. Somebody asked her thoughts about gay marriage (yes this was still a hot topic 10 years ago). Giving me a knowing glance, she said, "I'd marry a gay guy, if that makes sense."

So that's how I met Pink. She was rad.

Recently I pulled an interview with her trainer Tanja Djelevic, who gave me her "propers."

4 Proper Principles for Physical Transformation

1) Proper Mindset
Think of 5 motivating things that will help you change your life and write them down. Maybe you’d like to get into those designer jeans that you love, de-stress, or just have more energy. Starting a new ritual or routine can be demanding, so go back to your 5 motivators once a week and remind yourself what your goal is! Maybe even put that list on the fridge, in your Blackberry, or in your car so that it is visible at all times.

2) Proper Training
Activities that you consider fun are also easier to accomplish, so choose a form of exercise you really enjoy. Start finding the joy -- it might be finding a friend to walk with and share stories, or maybe it’s simply dancing by yourself to your favorite music. It can be anything, and the best part of it is, you are the director of finding the fun.

3) Proper Recovery
Schedule some time for breathing and relaxing. Recovery exercises may include yoga, focusing on stretching your muscles, or using the foam roller to do some myofascial release while breathing deeply.

4) Proper Food
Stick to the foods Mother Earth gave us as much as possible. Eat whole grains, vegetables, fruits, and proteins (animal or your own choice). After some time, the body adapts to clean healthy foods, and it will reject processed unnatural foods. Listen to your body and it will tell you what you need. Eat with a loving heart since you know that it is benefiting you so much and you have made good choices.

Go deep and peep Tanja's 10-Week Transformation on her blog.

Eatery: Bacon is awesome

Thanks to Rachael Ray for this inspired bacon recipe. I would have never guessed that you can cook bacon by wrapping it in paper towel and putting it in the microwave. I learn things!

Food Network fans responded with equal sarcasm. Here are some of my favorite comments they haven't deleted from their site yet:

"I hope Rachael will give us the recipe for boiling water next."

"This recipe saved my marriage."

"This is why Jews don't eat bacon...it's much too complicated."

"Do you have any recipes for cereal?"

"It's hard to believe some people don't think of you as a cook."


And now, because YOU KNEW THIS WAS COMING...Health benefits of bacon!

* Bacon contains healthy saturated fat, one of the precursors needed to make hormones, including sex hormones and brain hormones that keep us feeling happy.

* Bacon contains protein (about 11 grams of protein in 4 ounces of bacon), which is needed to build muscle.

* Eating bacon at breakfast time may contribute to weight loss because the protien helps dieters stay satiated through lunch.

* Pork in general is a good source of B vitamins, which are needed for a healthy stress response and proper brain function.

* Meat from any pastured animal contains CLA (Conjugated Linoleic Acid), which is a type of fat that promotes fat loss and muscle gain by helping cells become more sensitive to insulin. Body builders actually take this in the form of an expensive supplement. Why not get it from bacon and actually enjoy it?

Full disclosure: This morning I had a BLT wrap at breakfast and wrote this post to absolve myself of guilt. Turns out it was a fairly healthy choice. Yay bacon!!!

Fit birthday boy: Ryan Gosling

I'd ride it. Ryan Gosling can put me in the bitch seat anytime. When asked how he's got so buff he replied, "Steroids. No. I ate a lot and worked out."

He also sucks down protien shakes. If only real life were more like a gay porn, I'd give him my own special blend of protien shake.

Eating "a lot" will make you gain weight, while eating the right foods can reduce cancer risk and more.

Happy birthday, Ryan! You can now check the "hot bitches 30 and up" box. Welcome to the club!

Beauty: Body image HNT

Yes I know Halloween was like two weeks ago. Also, my last half-nekkid Thursday post was dedicated to my costume. Sure. The thing of it is, you didn't really see the whole Sexecutioner thing in full effect. Clearly the crowning glory is the dick axe. God is in the details. (Click pic to enhance the dick axe effect)

Besides, I look fucking hot. I've worked super hard on my body and I'm proud of what I've accomplished. It is certainly not the most amazing body in the world, but I made everything you see happen through hard work and consistent effort. It has taken me a long time to become comfortable enough to shamelessly objectify myself on the world wide web!

The subject of body image is omnipresent in the world today, with a truly disproportionate amount of people having crippling mental issues surrounding their body and self worth. It seems like it has either become a big problem, or something that has been a problem for years that people are finally discussing.

I remember my great-grandfather once told my dad: My generation wasn't fucking any less, your just talks about it more! Obviously my class and sophistication are inherited. Anyways, you get the analogy.

As a child I was very uncomfortable with my body. So much so that I used to swim in a tee shirt. Once, at a water park in which only bathing suits were allowed, I lamented to my Aunt Ruthie. She sort of shrugged and was like, "we all have bodies."

It was basically telling me to look around, take it all in, all the various shapes, sizes, ages, colors, wrinkles, fat rolls, knobby knees, pigeon toes, etc. -- and get over myself. In later years I've come to understand most people are so overly concerned with what I think of them that there's no cause to worry what they think about me.

We all have the parts we have. Might as well learn to love it and make the most.


These are cheesy affirmations but this shit works: Say the following out loud to yourself...

I love my body

I take care of the needs of my body

I am thankful for all the parts of my body that function correctly

I accept my body as it is

I am beautiful just as I am

My body is perfect just like this

I appreciate all the movements that my body let me perform

I am thankful for my strength

I am appreciative of the compliments I receive about my body

I enjoy feeling good about my body



Happy Half-Nekkid Thursday (:

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Online Lifestyle: Facebook follies

Good time guys make the world go around. Having a sense of shame is so passé anyways. Still, we live in a world in which we are occasionally held accountable for our actions (BOO!!) so it's a good idea to hide the evidence. NOTE: I did not say you actually have to clean up your act. What's the fun in that?

* Un-tag yourself from embarrassing pictures.

* Don't reveal your place of employment. Many companies now monitor social networking sites. Your opinions can be construed as representing the company where you work. Say the wrong thing and get fired.

* Consider leaving your relationship status blank. Marriage or something big is understandable, and there are other exceptions, but in general you may want to avoid airing your personal soap opera to employers, friends, parents, old flings, potential hook ups...not cute!

* Everything you say can and will be used against you

* Don't update company news the competition can use

* Don't air dirty laundry, especially if it isn't yours

* Don't skip work and post a jubilant status update about a concert, where the location map clearly shows you're not watching while sick in bed at home. DUH. People get fired over this dumb shit all the time.

* Don't vent about your boss. All that information becomes a data point that can come back to haunt you. Find an anonymous way to verbally eviscerate your dumb boss from hell, or better yet turn your situation into a "loosely based-upon" script ala The Devil Wears Prada and have the last laugh on that evil troll bitch.

* You can always walk away. If what you have to say is so important, if it really needs to be said, it can wait an hour, even two. You can sleep on it. Just because something happened; nobody knows the difference between a real-time update and a composed message at a later date. Stew a bit.

Diet: Spaghetti tacos

When I was a kid, I would eat some weird crap like spaghetti tacos if I saw it on TV. Ok, my dumb ass still would, because I want to try me some spaghetti tacos!

The carb-loaded food trend started on Nickelodeon's 'iCarly,' in which Carly's eccentric older brother Spencer makes dinner. The gag dish consists of red-sauce-covered pasta stuffed into hard taco shells. The punchline has now become part of American children's cuisine.

This just seems natural. Watching Bugs Bunny required a carrot stick when I was a kid, so why not spaghetti tacos!

What crazy food combinations has TV inspired in your kitchen?

Lifestyle: Vince Vaughn is gay

Remember when Vince Vaughn used to be sort of hot? Me either. If you haven't heard, there's controversy surrounding the trailer for his new movie 'The Dilemma' in which his dumbass character proclaims that "electric cars...are gay."

Some gay rights activists were offended, prompting the studio to cut the line from the trailer, but not the movie, thereby further enraging team crybaby the activists. As you guys know (because I told you in this video), I believe that words are just words and the only value they have is whatever we assign to them. It is exceedingly rare, for example, that I use the word bitch negatively.

Nor am I a fan of censorship, nor do I believe all characters represent the writer who penned the lines or the actor who says them. Art reflects life and people say "that's gay" in a derogatory way. Fact. What makes the joke funny isn't that he uses the word gay, but rather that he says something so inappropriate in a sales meeting.

"I'm glad to hear [the gay joke is] staying the movie," Vince said in a radio interview for The Bert Show. He went on to claim that the quip "wasn't a derogatory term...the joke was not 'homosexual-gay' but, you know, your parents are chaperoning a dance."

I'm still not offended and continue to oppose censorship, but it annoys me when people make up bullshit reasoning. No longer in character, he's associating the word gay with being lame, basically. Calling someone or something gay means they are unpleasing, unsatisfactory and unsuitable. All the un-s.

"We're not trying to hurt anyone's feelings," he insisted. "If there's tensions there, ultimately, it brings us together, it makes us more comfortable."

Creating tension makes people more comfortable? The more he talks the worse it gets! I don't even know what kind of shit this guy is on or how many hot dogs he must be eating a day, but it has obviously turned his brain to pulp.

He went on to claim that using the derogatory term doesn't have "any maliciousness" and that his comedy has "never been at anyone's expense."

As a comedian/performer he has freedom of speech -- which means he can make any idiot statement without the government coming after you. Freedom of speech guarantees that somebody won't be arrested or otherwise harassed by public officials for making a joke. The rest of us regular citizens have the right to express our idiot options too, so if what they say rightly pisses us off, we have the same freedom to express our thoughts about them.

So yes, people can say whatever bigoted, racist, homophobic shit they want and try to pass it off as just a harmless joke; but doing so makes them totally gay.

Health: Signs of addiction

If you're having a good time, you're probably an addict. Truly, you can be addicted to just about anything; it's scary! Facebook fanatic, Twitter dependencies, cell phone separation anxiety, iChat hound...food, drugs, sex. All the good stuff! And especially the bad stuff.

Moderation is good for you. Having an addiction removes us from the pace of life. Addiction is very circular, which obviously means you're not moving forward.

If you're spending an inordinate amount of time on something you may want to honestly answer these 4 questions because YOU MIGHT BE AN ADDICT!!!

1. CAN I STOP? ...as in, right now, this second

2. NEGLECTING RELATIONSHIPS ...people are saying they never see you any more

3. IGNORING/DELAYING RESPONSIBILITIES ...no it can't wait until tomorrow

4. CHANGE OF SELF-CARE ...neglecting to groom is never good